May 7, 2010

i write better than i speak.

I have shopping tourette's. When someone says something like, "Hey, those are cute shoes," I tend to blurt out where I got them and for how much or if they were on sale. I tell myself I'm simply being helpful; maybe the person saw my shoes and it reminded her she needed a new pair. I really think that person should know Target and Kohl's are having awesome sales, but get there fast because both sales end Sunday, at midnight.

In addition to shopping issues, I write better than I speak. For one thing, I hate the sound of my voice. I think I sound like a man transitioning to a woman, or vice versa. But mostly, I often find I literally can't SPEAK: I either cannot get the words to come out of my mouth in a manner any other human speaking my language could even hope to interpret, or I choose words that are the opposite of swank or poised or even slightly thoughtful.

Real time example of this: C, M, and I went to a party last week. Mr. X, an acquaintance we haven't seen in many years, showed up as a surprise to the guest of honor. He said hello to C and me, then for no apparent reason whatsoever, because neither of us looked at his abdominal area and wondered out loud what the heck kind of unnatural disaster had happened there, he grabbed his stomach and said, "Yeah. I've put on quite a bit of poundage over the last few years. Pregnancy sympathy." (His wife had twins a couple of years ago.)

Then? Exactly 1.5 minutes later? I was chasing M around the kitchen. Mr. X wandered in, looked at us, and said, "Toddlers are hard work, aren't they? We spend a lot of time chasing ours all over the house." And I answered, "Yeah, they're definitely work. You'd think you'd lose a hundred pounds." Just as he was popping a mini-Snickers into his mouth.

On the ride home, C said, "I noticed Mr. X avoided you the rest of the party after that comment about his extra 100 pounds you made."

"You HEARD that??" I said.

"A lot of people heard that," said C. "What the hell were you thinking? Were you drunk?"

"No I wasn't drunk! And I didn't mean HIM when I said it. I was thinking about ME. As in, I need to lose about 100 pounds and can't believe I haven't because I chase a toddler around everywhere."

But in writing, you see, I am far more pithy and poised; things coming out of my brain usually make some type of sense. If only Life had delete keys and didn't pressure you to speak so immediately. Computers are sympathetic, because they let you have time to collect your thoughts. And your wits. Which I do not have in real time social situations, typically.

So Mr. X may have been generally avoiding me at the party, but I was avidly avoiding him. I find after I say something totally stupid it's best for everyone involved if I just keep myself company for the rest of the social outing.

I do tend to end up hanging out by myself a lot during social outings.


  1. hi from mbc! i, too, have foot in mouth disease. unfortunately i embarrass myself when i write as well.

  2. Hi! Stopping by from MBC. Love your blog.

    Have a nice day!

  3. I'm so glad you are blogging again! And I'm with you - how is that we don't lose 100 lbs... it's not like i sit at any point of the day. Geez - something is wrong with this workout.

  4. I think I sound like transitioning man too! In addition, I'm ALWAYS saying the wrong thing. Maybe we should just hang out together at parties.

  5. Hello, AC and VL! Thanks for stopping by--I will visit you all as soon as possible.

    Val: I also think our muscles should be completely toned and awe-inspiring by now. It's not like toddlers (and you've got a BABY on top of a toddler) are light as empty cardboard boxes.

    Gayla: Not even. Your voice is feminine and lilting, with a touch of a soothing and pleasant Southern accent. I will happily hang out with you at all future parties, and we can consult one another before answering questions anyone asks us in an attempt to engage us in conversation.


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