scooching and bogging and dairy addictions.

While pregnant, I craved all things dairy. Like, if I could have just bought a dairy cow, tethered her to one of my backyard trees, and drank straight from a teet hourly like a newborn calf, let me tell you: I'd have been too, too happy.

Sadly, I had no access to dairy cows but I did have access to an HOA that would have been knocking on my door the very nanosecond they heard the first "Moo!" or caught the first whiff of manure. They'd have all stood in front of me, arms crossed, feet tapping, holding copies of the neighborhood covenants in my face, and the part that goes NO FARM ANIMALS ALLOWED would have been highlighted in red. And Mr. M down the street would have sent out a mass email campaign through the neighborhood to have me evicted and I probably would have ended up on the 5 o'clock news.

So I was left to swigging hourly from gallons (please know: I was not kidding when I typed gallonS. That's gallon, with an S.) of full-fat, whole milk. I once stood in front of Kroger's dairy section debating whether or not to buy my regular full-fat, whole milk or just submit to the monster and start chugging the heavy cream. These dairy cravings also pushed me toward places like Dairy Queen and Bruster's Ice Cream, and one summer afternoon I will be completely honest and admit to anyone reading: I tweaked on an entire gallon of Edy's Rocky Road ice cream. While pregnant, I was totally eligible to be featured on A&E's Intervention and I was crying out for a trip to dairy rehab; I'm still a little perturbed no one in my family saw this.

Before I got pregnant, I would have reaped many health benefits and maybe even been able to shop in JC Penney's juniors section once again by losing 30 lbs. After Melissa was born, the dairy addiction went away on its own and I lost about 30 lbs of dairy addiction/baby weight/normal pregnancy weight gain with no effort. Here's the problem, though: I'm left with 50 lbs that weren't there to begin with. Or 30 that were there plus 20 dairy addiction pounds. Whichever. The point is: my body was simply not itself for an entire year after this pregnancy and I wasn't physically or mentally (heavy emphasis on the mentally) able to exercise or consume vegetables the way Dr. Oz suggests. Also I've been scouring the yellow pages looking for tummy tuck surgeons who take Mastercard. I don't think there's an abdominal crunch in the world that's going to fix what Melissa and rampant pregnancy dairy consumption did to that area.

So I joined Spark People the other day. On the account of I like looking at organized online progress trackers and it's free. Did I mention it's free? Here's how it's gone so far:

**I've joined teams, and said hello. My teams are: Spark Bookworms, 30-something moms, Runners/Walkers, and I Need Sleep!. I'm most active in I Need Sleep!. Please note the irony.

**I joined last Monday. I set up my profile on Tuesday. On Wednesday, I logged what I ate. I ate 400 calories more than I was supposed to, and apparently my potassium levels are atrociously not being addressed in my diet (my calcium levels are great, if you were wondering).

**On Thursday, I only ate 22 calories more than I should have. My potassium levels were still atrocious but seriously, spark people. Unless potassium levels are going to reverse the condition of my abdominal area, you can just shove your potassium level information.

**On Friday, I logged what I ate for breakfast. And then I went out to lunch at Joe's Crab Shack. I was all set to order a Cobb Salad with crab meat, but for some ungodly reason the words "Fish and Chips" came out of my mouth when it was my turn. And then C and I went and had ice cream at a really cute not-chain coffee shop downtown. I hope everyone is aware by now of my inability to say no to not-chain coffee shops. And ice cream.

**After fish and chips and ice cream, I didn't want to know what Spark People would have to say about my caloric intake on Friday. Or my poor sodium performance. Or my carb overload. I already knew what they'd say about Friday's potassium performance.

Also, for dinner, we had pizza.

**I haven't visited Spark People at all today. I think they're looking for me but I've been undercover all day at the Weight Watchers message boards.

To be fair to myself, I worked out--hard--Tuesday through Friday last week. I'm a good worker outer; it's just forcing my body to do what my brain says which is "Put on work out clothes and drive to the gym. Then, when you're in the gym, get on a machine. Begin moving. Stop playing with the gadgetry on the machine and move. Move faster, stop pretending like you're in pain. Go. Go! GO!!"

Once I get through all that, I'm great.

I'll begin again on Monday. My 1st favorite author Anne Lamott says progress is a scooch-scooch-bog process: you scooch forward, then you hang out and bog for awhile. Then maybe you scooch backward and bog. After that, you scooch forward five scooches. Then maybe back two. And then you bog. There's no abracadabra to life, but eventually you make it where you want to be.

Monday through Thursday last week I was scooching. Friday I scooched back one space. Now I'm bogging. I'll be okay.